Have you ever thought or been told you have a problem with anger? ANGER is a naturally occurring strongly felt emotional RESPONSE to a perceived threat. It can be outwardly expressed or inwardly contained. Anger can be directed toward self or others. And, it is not only emotional–there are typically physiological changes that accompany the feeling of intense anger, such as facial flushing, increased heart rate, and shallow breathing.
Anger can be experienced on a continuum from mild to severe. When severe it may be referred to as rage. When mild, it may be experienced as annoyance. Depression, anxiety, and other emotional issues can exacerbate anger. Anger can be triggered by many circumstances. Often, how we respond to angry feeling is learned from family, friends, and societal norms. Anger is not a negative thing but how we express it can work for us or against us.
Take a moment and think about how you typically respond to anger. Do you bottle it up, or explode with expletives? Are you the person who holds up your middle finger to the driver in front of you who is going too slowly for your liking and lets off a string of expletives. Or, do you hold onto anger and go into lock down mode boiling inside but remaining silent? Both of these responses are extreme and both can work against us. Most of us are probably, most of the time, somewhere in the middle.
No matter where you are on the continuum you can consciously and intentionally set goals for a healthier reaction to anger. Keep in mind, one’s reaction to feeling angry is partially determined by one’s perception of self and others. Changing how you react to anger often involves changing your perceptions.
If you would like to manage angry feeling in a more effective manner there are some things you can do. The first suggestion is a long- term, ongoing practice that involves nurturing feelings of compassion toward yourself and others. This approach requires ongoing practice and is intended to alter your perceptions so that others, like the driver mentioned earlier, won’t be perceived as someone deserving of your umbrage. How can you do this?
One approach is to imagine the person you are in conflict with (this might even be yourself) as a baby. Sounds funny but it can be very effective. Most of us have tender feelings toward babies. Awakening tenderness in you is bound to have an effect on what comes out of you.
The other approach involves tuning in to your breathe. This approach is particularly effective in the moment when extreme reactions to anger are brewing. It has a calming effect.
The next time you are in a situation that evokes an over the top angry reaction take a moment to take stock. Breathe deeply. In fact, breathe in through your nose to a count of four, hold the breath for a count of four, and then exhale, through your nose to a count of four. Do this four times. This alone will alter the body’s chemistry making it easier to respond judiciously.
We are works in progress. These techniques, like most self development activities, will take root and grow with practice.
Pauline G. Everette, LMSW, PhD
