Subject: Relationship counseling
“I’ve been in a relationship when my significant other for 5 years dating. We have a hard time expressing to one another when we have a problem with one another. We wait til it gets to a boiling situation and we explode to where we argue. The love is their with one another still but the verbal arguments leaves him leaving the house packing. I want to salvage the relationship.”
Often such notes end with “what do you suggest? Or, do you take my insurance I would like to make an appointment? I suspect this woman is not ready to take the next step. Perhaps putting her situation in writing and sending it off to a relationship coach was the most she could muster at the time. Maybe she will write again. Maybe not. In any case, her note speaks to the difficulty some couples have managing conflict. Had she asked I would have suggested she use her voice and make an effort to speak up about the concerns, conflicts, hurts, etc. that are apparently not being talked about. She seems to be aware of how she and her significant other AVOID talking about “problems” until they reach a fever pitch. Even then problems don’t get talked about because, according to her, he storms out. I would want her to know —
Their relationship is at high risk for failure because:
1. They avoid conflict
2. They disengage
3. They seem clueless about how to resolve their issues.
Had she asked I would have advised her to make an effort to:
Learn to talk about differences. Conflict can be managed.
Commit to staying in the game and request that her partner make the same commitment.
Make leaving less of an option
Seek out a counselor, a coach, or a conflict management specialist to learn effective conflict management strategies.
Most people are aware that relationship coaches and counselors are available to help with this and other relationship issues. Fewer people are aware that conflict resolution centers are available in most areas. In the Detroit area there are centers in Wayne, Macomb, and Oakland counties. There, trained volunteer mediators are available to assist for nominal fees.
When deciding which is the best approach to take, a couple should know that mediators tend to assist with specific narrowly focused conflicts. Coaching or counseling is advisable when the issues are more like what the letter writer described — patterned and habitual behavior. Call or write if you would like to know more about resolving conflict in a relationship — peverette@aol.com or (313) 567-3573.
